The days are really beginning to blur together. if it werent for my phone, id never know the days of the week, or month, the time, anything. one day feels like a week has passed. its so draining and i always feel as though ive accomplished nothing despite how far ive traveled.
as luke would say,…
im not quite sure where to begin. the choices ive made have all been in good intentions and i cant say anything is totally wrong. my brain is just doing what it always does. i think i could be completely alone, and sad, and torture myself in any situation. last night it hit me that i have no idea…
i promise ill update soon, probably tomorrow.
the time came when harvest fest was ending, everyone was clearing out, but a handful of my road dogs had been signed up for clean up, and so, we had to stay and wait for them to finish. notes and i sat at heady danks camp, or what was left of it, and watched the workers in the distance. notes was so spun out, as he often was, that i was left in charge of teagan again. for being his dog, she felt an awful lot like mine. not that i minded, i adored this dog. i just felt guilty with the building worries of one day, notes and i are going to part ways, and when we do, if he takes her, she wont be taken care of like she should be. and i love her too much to let her suffer.
i watched and said goodbye as many of the groups split off and left. out there disappeared. elf boy and keith stone hitched out. then aidens car took squirrel, surprise and jugs to go bail jables out of jail. it was down to pucks car, and this new friend, read’s van. we stayed one more night, the clean up crew got to have a party, which since wed stayed, we were invited to. the staff, who wed been avoiding in fear of being kicked out, now kicked us down food and ground scored booze and weed.
we stayed up all night, all laying around the fire, welcoming anyone, sharing what we had gathered, taking turns playing guitars and luckys strumstick, singing whatever songs came to mind. telling stories and jokes and just being family. over the last few weeks, and even just days for some them, id grown to love them all. davey and i got along really quickly. although apparently he thought i was notes’ girl because we were so close, which, no, was not the case. many people thought so though. it was weird. anywho.
i was trying and failing to not get attached. i felt so guilty. yes, i was technically single, but i did have someone back home who i was terrified of hurting. i was being ripped in two. i kept silent and continued trying to pull away.
i couldnt help the rush of anxious excitement when he was placed in the car i was leaving in. we split as me, davey, sunshine, ariel, tax, read were in reads van. puck, lucky, austin, notes and matt were in pucks car. teagan would come with me. we road off the mountain, trying to find the rest of the crew whod left the day before, and meet up at a hotel so we could wash off all this mud.
the days at harvest were spent wandering, running into friends id met at shawnee or randomly on the road. painting faces and sewing patches. lots of trading of random cool stuff like patches or jewelry or random trinkets. during the day, everyone was calm, tired it seemed from the craziness of the night before. we wandered in search of food or friends. we watched our dogs make friends and play. we laid in the fields and watched the clouds. it was calm and sunny and peaceful.
and then night fell.
as it began getting dark, the blue grass music would rise and fall with everyones anticipation of the night to come. wed set off in groups, for food, for dancing, for booze, for some sort of substance to slip blissfully into the crowd. at one point, a keg magically appeared in our camp, i honestly dont know where it came from, but we shared it with anyone who asked. i danced barefoot in the mud and hay that covered the grounds. i wandered freely amongst the crowds, not once caring what anyone thought of our random dancing or shouting out. we ground scored many things. we snuck into VIP and danced as if we belonged there. we ate from the trashcans. it was not the same kind of feeling as the rainbow gathering, but it was still quite an interesting experience. id say i love gatherings way more than festivals, but both are definitely worth checking out.
then came the tornado.
the stages were closed down. the winds were harsh. the rain fell hard and fast and flooded the grounds. the lightening was so close. the thunder was all you could hear past the ripping of tarps threatening to untie themselves and fly away. we huddled close under a tarp between two locked cars while the wind tried to knock us over and the flood water rose well past our ankles. all we could hope to do is ride it out and huddle close for warmth.
hours passed, and eventually the sun came up again while the rain slowed and gradually stopped. it was time to access the damage. i went to find our camp. the once covered tent city was now much emptier. it felt weird to be able to see the far off camps we once had to work through mazes to find.
in the distance, i spotted our tent. notes had set his up because it was bigger than mine, unfortunately, it didnt have a rain cover. wed tied my tarp to the corners and hoped for the best, and in the high winds, itd ripped itself off of 3 of the 4 corners. our tent was just as flooded as the fields around us had been the night before, all of our belongings inside, now water logged and molding. we emptied our packs on the now drying grass and hoped the sun would dry up our clothes and my notebook, which had been where id kept track of most of my journey, in detail before i could post it for you lovely folks to see where ive been. the ink all smeared thick on the pages, the cover falling off.. it felt like everything i had was destroyed. especially once i found my camera, dripping water out of it as i picked it up. to this day, it still wont charge. its still sitting in a bag of rice, but i dont know what else to do for it.
wed survived the storm, but once again, id be stuck in the same clothes for a few weeks until i could find a way to do laundry. carrying a heavy pack full of moldy, useless clothes. at least everyone was okay.
we set out across the street, and through this field in small groups. trying hard to keep ourselves and our dogs quiet. we hit the ground at every sound, knowing they were patrolling on golf carts. we ran and hid on elf boys commands as he signaled to us up ahead. there were a few times when i thought we were caught, but all in all, wed made it unscathed. we successfully snuck into the parking lot, where everyone camped. at least we were inside. we found a place to set up camp very close to the area where the stages were, and finally set down our things. all i wanted to do was find everyone else whod snuck in before us, and the others from other cars who i knew were supposed to be here as well, and then get some sleep.
when our tents were set up, we began to wander the festival. it amazed me how quick people handed out beers and doses.we decided we wanted to get into the area with the stages, which proved really simple. no, we didnt have bracelets, but we did walk through holes in the fences and go find sunshine, aiden, squirrel, surprise, bobcat, a bunch of people.eventually, we ran into jugs and lucky and brittany, and we wandered around looking for where heady dank set up their camp before heading back to sleep.
the next morning, we made friends with our neighbors and i asked random people for their left over food. when i made my way back to our camp, i was once again introduced to davey jones, while he joked around with out there. something was different. he wasnt like the others. dont get me wrong, i love the others. but i was drawn to him… and i hated it. i smiled and walked away. i didnt want to know him. and i really didnt like that i really did. he was interesting, funny, he seemed so careless but with a sadness in his eyes that i saw so clearly. the type to laugh off any hurt. why did i care? i didnt. i didnt even know him. fuck it.
ill continue later
when we finally reached the front gate to harvest fest, there were already so many people inside. we spoke to those in charge, but only one of us could get in, sunshine got out of the car.
i wont lie, i kind of lost it. i felt so betrayed. so abandoned. i let my group walk away under the promise that hed be by my side, and here he walks away for a fucking blue grass festival. yes, wed traveled many days to get there. yes, i could totally see needing to get out of that van. but he made a promise. sometimes, i forget that people dont take them as seriously as i do.
sunshine went in, and i looked around me and my also angry road dogs. what could we do?
we drove to a parking lot near by, where we decided wed have to stay. the van has been breaking down for days, it probably wouldnt make it to the next town at this point. not to mention it wasnt even registered, so when it broke down wed only have to leave it anyways.
we all got out of the van, fuming. we had a bottle of whiskey and some tobacco. wed make this little lot work. we listened to music from the van as we looked around at our surroundings and passed a bottle. eventually, we decided fuck it.. wed get in. maybe tonight, maybe in the morning. wed sneak in. why else did we come this far? wed get in. we killed the bottle.
notes and out there were by my side the most, seemingly just as pissed off as i was. ariel and tax kept to themselves as usual. keith stone became very quiet. elf boy huddled up close to his dog, maya.
another car pulled in and drove to the back. at this point, i really didnt give a shit. i sat in the van, actually on a seat this time, with teagan curled up in my lap for warmth and comfort.
people were getting excited around the van, i could hear laughter and cheer. maybe that had more booze.
the door swung open, out there and notes yelling in to me, “hey! my best friend is here, you need to meet this kid, ive known him forever, youll fucking love him davey come meet fievol!”
not the mood to be in to meet someone. i was cold. feeling abandoned. like all i had in this world was the puppy in my lap. he walked up and half smiled saying a simple hi before out there grabbed his arm and ran off with him. i didnt realize what was ahead of me.
notes informed me we were sneaking in, right now. get your stuff were going. at first i was pissed. i never even wanted to come to this stupid festival in the first place. i really, really did not want to get caught sneaking into it. i dont know what theyd do. kick me out, sure. but fine me? jail? i dont know. but i didnt want to find out. everyone was all about this. im left standing there while the driver of the van tells us all if we dont get all of our shit out of his car, its his. stranded. im fucking stranded. its try to sneak in or get left in this lot in the middle of nowhere. awesome. guess whose sneaking in?
travel in the van was simple but irritating, but happy. one thing you figure out about living on the road, is that even though youre family, and youre all in it together, everyone is watching out for themselves over anyone first and foremost to a point of irritation most of the time. unless youre me, and you dont give a shit about yourself so you do anything and everything for the good of the group. sometimes, people seem to realize that and it works out again, but a lot of the time im just used and kept in the background until they need something.
i spent a lot of time quietly watching the intertwining relationships, bonds, agreements, and deals set up between the people around me. i found their drama interesting.
who needed whiskey more. who needs cigarettes more. who does what on the road. everyone had some role to fill. some thing about that that stuck them their part in the group. what the hell was i?
i was the quiet girl they took in, who hardly drinks, doesnt smoke, and wont lie to you.
i dont want you for your booze, drink it if you want it.
i dont want your weed, go ahead and main circle it, ill sit right here.
all i want is for someone to love me, care about me for who i am. nothing more. i want to feel like i belong. a family. a friendship thats real.
thats why its so easy to use me, i get used and lied to constantly because this is my weakness.
[and when the wizard gets to me, im asking for a smaller heart.]
some nights, we just kept driving, but we typically slept on giant tarps, side by side by side in a row in a field, or at rest stops. we asked restaurants for free food. we ate from their dumpsters when they said no. we all took care of each other.
we just kept on our path to harvest fest.
when we left the gathering, we were covered in mud and sweat and everything gross. all we wanted was a shower. so, we hopped in aidens car, sunshine, surprise, notes and.. i cant remember who was up front (oops, sorry). some in pucks car, and we all went into town in search of a cheap hotel to shower and relax in. we spanged up some money, and got a room for the night.
a whole bunch of us were all staying together, some odd 30 kids by the time the nights of hotels and bottles was through. people just kept showing up. for a while, there was talk of an rv and starting up a free kitchen called right arm kitchen, to travel from gathering and festival on and on, feeding crazy hippie kids just like at rainbow gatherings. crazy jay was waiting on a check to clear, but complications kept coming up, and he went a little nuts. we ended up leaving for harvest fest.
somewhere in that mess of crazy hotel nights, aiden went and got a puppy from this crackhead that was killing off the ones he couldnt take care of. the second i saw this dog, i fell in love. the next morning, he decided he didnt want to take care of another dog, already having milo, so he gave her to notes. notes couldnt take care of her alone, so she became ours. i named her teagan. shes a mutt and a half, part wolf, cayotte, blue heeler, german sheppard, dalmation, and something else, i can never remember. shes a sweetheart.
then came the days of living in the van. we traveled with this guy.. i cant remember his name, cause we didnt really talk on any personal level. i wasnt really fond of him, but everyone else was. he kind of gave me the creeps, but he was nice enough. just on some under layer, there was something i didnt like. we all squeezed in the van, me, sunshine, notes, surprise, ariel, tax man, out there, key stone, elf boy, 3 dogs teagan dp and ohh i cant remember her name. fuck.
its really hard to update like this, theres so many people in this house right now. ill try again in a bit. yeah im in a house right now… ill get there. youll see. haha its been crazy. sorry! ill update again soon
Wandering through the woods, b made friends with an adorable dog we began calling freckles. Later we found out a local left it in the woods, and b could take care of him full time. We were happy,he was a sweetheart.
Soon after, the day came when Sean b and Luke packed up and I had to make a choice. Sunshine could see I was torn.
We went for a walk, rolling cigarettes for people as we wandered (his job) and we discussed where I stood. He explained that this happens all the time. Life on the road, you meet new people, and you roll with the punches. You join new groups and you find each other as you go. Wed meet up again, but right now, he’d take me under his wing and I’d have my own adventure.
I was convinced. I felt awful watching Sean b and Luke leave. I tried not to cry. I knew this would be good for me but it was really difficult to follow through. Somehow, I knew I was safe with these kids, I was in good hands. I’d just met them, but I loved them already.
I hugged Sean b and Luke, we pretended I had allergies, psh I wasn’t crying! They left the woods. Sunshine wrapped an arm around me and handed me a tailor made.”chin up kid. Stick with me, were gonna have one hell of an adventure”